Don't really feel like sleeping. Feel like admitting deep,dark secrets but can't think of any..
Any suggestions? Any questions anyone might want to ask?
Maybe I'll just ramble on.
I must admit this time round I realise how much I miss being able to get in touch with friends.
Past few years I have been pretty busy. Yet I have also been enjoying my time teaching up here.
I seem to be designed (by temperament if not effectiveness) to teach up here.
My karate background means I feel safe even if I was threatened by the kids.
My detachment combined with my caring for others means I can be very patient and cop the occasional abuse without emotional reaction.
My wit and humour (Yes I do have some!) means I can gain respect and rapport with the kids while de-escalating some of the bullying and verbal abuse.
I wish I knew if my teaching was worthwhile. Is any of it getting through?
Do the kids not wanting to learn actually get something from time in my classroom than just socialising and preparing for a dole queue? Should I just be focusing on kids doing the work or should I be discussing the 'real world' and some of it's problems?
Should I keep trying to get the kids to understand it is ok to be gay?
*sigh* also going through a bit of a mid-life crisis of sorts. (Does this mean I die at 62 like my Dad has?)
Most of my life I have been angry and had goals to aim for. (Being bullied in primary school may have warped me but it also gave me some drive, worth it? I'll never know...)
I won karate tournaments. I have over 80 trophies.
I have done well in fencing, rapier fighting (even got a medal fro E grade penants once!)
Did my engineering degree and Quantum Physics.
Have a family and placed my gene pool into the general population.
I am even running a karate dojo and doing after school tutoring.
But now what? The anger is not so easy to reach anymore. I have no immediate goals that I can dedicate each day to. Relaxation and hedonism was ok for a while but now even computer game playing seems to pall.
I am currently living my life as a form of service to others but I feel there should be more to it. I am reading, researching and trying to practice spirituality more (I think even making progress!) even to the point of attending Mormon church every 2nd Saturday.
hmm off topic ramble. As i was saying I am starting to realise how much I miss my friends. Mainly missing that one-on-one time where you get to talk regularly with friends, forge that sense of intimacy that separates good friends from friendly acquantances. Damnit my body and spirit seems ready to cry but the damn eyes do not seem to agree.
Crying is so important. It is one of the gifts that I treasure most as a human.
To be able to release the feelings inside, to purge, to tranform to simply express whats inside is so important in my opinion. The idea that people shouldn't cry and should be tough really annoys the crap out of me. Maybe public crying is not a good idea in this society but crying itself has always seemed like such a blessing in my life.
Cry. To put all the sadness, pain and misery into one action, one transforming gesture. To give all of yourself to this one action to express the very 'nowness' of your very self. The full acknowledgement of who and what you are in this painful second of your life. To almost enjoy the poignancy of your own feelings, the richness of your experiences and to then act them out to your fullest potential.
To do all this and then let as much of that pain just flow away, leaving yourself renewed (though tired) and with a greater of measure of peace within yourself than when you started.
This is what 'simply crying' is to me.
That this is currently denied to me makes me curious. And perhaps a little angry.